It seems so easy to say and comprehend..its only got two letters...Why do us woman have such a hard time saying it to each each other? Maybe its the perfectionist in me or simply I just hate hurting peoples feelings but i hate saying no to people. However, right now as I write I have said it 5 times all ready to Olivia! She is crawling EVERYWHERE! so my life has changed drastically. My floors are much cleaner, But i have to be on gaurd constantly. The blue lighted up on and off button on my monitor is calling her name... as i now have to teach her the meaning of "no" I am also trying to teach myself. when I'm asked of my time or attention I am figuring out that when I say yes to one person i have to say no to another and usually it's my kids who get the no part...thats not fair to them...I don't want them to think mommy' s favorite word is "no". The good thing is that i have been taught that it is ok to say yes and no...and who and what to say it to...."the essentials" deserve my yes's and the rest can wait...the hard part is applying the knowlege and direction i've recieved to action on a regular basis!! I have my good days don't get me wrong but I swear 'finding balance" right now with 3 little ones one being a baby is turning my world upside down!!! Luckily I have good people around who tell me "Im normal" thats a relief!!!

On another note...I am having a party thursday night for ALL of my friends in layton. I've mentioned before that I LOVE to share with people...especially people who have shared their kindness with me. SOOO I am having a "dusti's Favorites night" Where I will be sharing and showcasing alot of my FAVORITE tricks and secrets from cleaning to food storage to recipe's and hair bows..even having my FAVORITE treat....Chillis chips and salsa I am also compiling a list of my favorite blogs, websites and sayings that help me and giving them to those who come!! im hoping that others will do the same...cuz i would love to go to somebody else's favorite night too.

I want to do another one for all of you who are closer to salt lake and are dear to me as well!

love dusti

I need muscles..

Really i thought I was strong until french bread dough just handed me my "you know what". I seriously spent 15 minutes trying to roll a 9x13 rectangle. HOLY CRAP! I had no idea how buff all you bread makin gals are..well im joinin the club. So I know in my post about my first time making bread and cinnamon rolls for the first time was last week..I left out that My friend Lori who knows how was there "not helping me" so really.. Sunday was the big day for me. I got up at 6:30am to start my "all by myself Quest" to make bread and cinnamon rolls...the first batch was too dry..so I went ahead and made another batch. Got done about 10ish. It was so much fun. Im totally sick of cinnamon rolls..I don't think I even ate a whole one..I gave away most of them and my kiddies have enjoyed them emensly. Today i am making homemade french bread pizza..different recipe so all new. And even though I am by myself..Mandy(my sis) has had like 20 texts and 2 or 3 picture text just to make sure I am doing it right. Im a bit of a perfectionist..she keeps telling me "it will be fine" this is how you figure it out..trial and error! But I don't want to spend all this time and effort to have crappy bread! Oh well..she is right, gotta live and learn!

Tavis is 6!

Tavis is 6! Oh my goodness. We had a sports mario brothers bday party on his request! The hardest thing for me to find was the gold coins...sold out because of st. patricks day! the easiest thing for me was to call Sams club and have them make 30 cupcakes..10 blue 10 red 10 green. Hardest part..picking up 30 red cupcakes with little blue and green flowers on the top!?! I was so confused as to how they translated that out of 10 blue 10 geen 10 red..but it wasn't worth getting hot over! Easiest thing for me...to watch my little boy have the TIME OF HIS LIFE!! Hardest thing for me..to clean up the red red stains all over from the cupcake frosting. Easiest thing for me was to watch my oldest nephew Matthew make balloon swords for all 15 guests and love it! Hardest thing for me was to watch one more year of childhood slip from under my nose. where does the time go? Easiest thing for me..to reminense about where Nate and I was 6 years ago and all the joy and change that came with our little Tavis Alexander Murray that day March 20th 2005. Have I mentioned i love being a mom!!! heres to atleast another 6 years of adventure, joy, and change!

I'm a bread maker!!!

I am taking my role as a home maker..one baby step at a time! Today I made bread and cinnamon rolls from scratch! They are so nummy. I am super excited. I read in my book last night this paragraph right before i fell asleep:

"The senses give us great pleasure and enhance our feelings of well-being. bringing art and music into your life is a feast for the eyes and ears that fills your soul with passion. rich natural sense of flowers and spices can cure listlessness and bring Joy. the smell of well prepared foods cooking ,freshly baked bread, salty sea air, or new mown hay  can counteract depression. galleries and symphonies can awaken our senses .the vivid orange color of nasturtiums  or the sent of lilacs in spring contribute to your sense of well-being and let us know we are part of a delightful whole."

I want my kids and hubby to come home from their hard days to a sensory overload of peace, love, harmony, warmth and good freakin food!
I happened to stop by my sisters house today right before her kids got home. Her house was clean, she had peaceful music on and she had warm banana bread waiting for them . Wow I want that. I asked her if she did that on purpose and she said " yes sometimes I make cookies, sometimes just regular bread w honey butter...I try to have something warm and inviting for them" let me add..she's 8 months prego with her5th boy shes got every excuse in the world to sit on the couch and watch tv instead of doing that for her kiddies. It's amazing to me how many times I've been there and seen what I saw today...but wasn't paying attention...crazy! Anyways...got the bread recipe and frosting recipe and made my very own, I'm soooo excited..this is a big step for me! Nate and the kids are super excited too!!!

Matt..18:4-5"Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.And who ever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me. "
Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat.
He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work.




A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back To the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"

Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church."

Just in case you haven't gotten this email...I thought I'd share...I LOVE IT!

The Little children in my life have brought me so much joy lately. I just love being a mommy. My children are so beautiful and yes its hard..but so much more easier if I allow myself to be with them and learn as they do..simply, humbly, even throwing tantrums like they do is soothing...but only if I get over it and forgive as fast as they do....both parts are equal in that lesson ...Ive learned the hard way on that one! It's Tavis's "Birthday weekend" Today Nate, Olivia, hailey and I went in for his VIP day. We had a poster of pictures of him and a bag of stuff he put in it to show what he loves and then a bag full of candy bars to share with his class. It was SO MUCH FUN. He felt so special and to meet all the kids he goes to class with everday was awesome. His teacher asked him what his favorite thing to do at school was? Tavis took awhile to answer and I let him..(usually I rush him because I think he's taking too long and it's awkward) but Like i"ve mentioned in the past..im really working on my control issues and letting my kids "BE who they BE" ANyways..I watched the other kids whispering answers to him like recess and so forth..I thought for sure he would say recess..I would have! When he decided (finally) he said.." My favorite part of school is being kind to all of you"! My heart melted. What a good kid. His teacher smiled and said "thats why you have so many friends Tavis..because you are allways kind to everybody". What a great Morning. my kids are the BEST blessings I have been blessed with other than the great Man I am married to..it was so fun to smile and look over at Nate glowing as much as I was at how proud we are of our little guy. We work hard and talk ALOT about how to do this parent stuff together..we don't allways agree but we allways hash it out and come up with what we both think is best for our little ones. I can't imagine doing this on my own. I have a new found respect for my mom. A single parent..she raised me..worked full time and parented the best she could. what more can you ask from a parent but to give you their best. and thats what my mom gave me. Life is good. even when I feel like that wet cat..its still good.

Finally

I have a computer again! I love having talented people in the fam..My bro in law Keith sacrificed his whole Saturday afternoon and fixed our computer! What a guy! I owe ya a pepsi for sure Keith or at the least a hair cut so mandy doesn't have to! SO My last entry was a little daunting...but thats life right? Ups and then downs and then arounds to the same thing again..just with new insights and hopefully a new found hope. This is what I have found. A new found hope in people and friendships and the best of all.. in MYSELF. Sometimes looking in the past helps me understand the today's and why I act or react to life..a new understanding of an old truth that has been buried deep within has gotten me to climb out of my "funk" one step at a time..and to look at same patterns in a new and revealing light. I make no sense to anyone I know...but that's the best part of my blog..you can just make it your own to where your at right now...I'm very vague for that reason alone and if I can help anybody onto a path of self discovery than it's worth the vulnerability that is involved. You know what I am grateful for today? My comfy couch! My dear sweet Hailey is so sick. we have been snuggling all day on it. I'm also thankful for Kung fu panda..I laughed with my kids today and because of the great invention of DVR We were able to rewind a few many times and laugh all over again without even getting off the couch. We also all had big bowls of "smarshmellow" cereal for our afternoon snack..we all picked out the "smarshmelows" and only ate those! Its so great to let go of rules and control every once and awhile and be a kid with your kid. I had big plans of cleaning and shopping for groceries and organizing toys today...none of that has been done but I have thoroughly enjoyed being a great mommy today!!! I have to go now...my couch partner is crying for me to comfort her and Olivia has rolled across my room and found a roll of toilet paper(she's obsessed with toilet paper) Today I love my choices to choose the best of the best!!


Dusti

I didnt drop off the face of the earth!

Although I would like to drop my computer off of one....we cannot figure out what is wrong with it. So until it gets fixed I will use the iPad to post when I can....Nate uses it at work so I can only do it when he is home and I tend to only want to hang with him when he's home and nothing else. Although march madness is coming up so I may be posting a lot except for the fact that I am holding out to read the hunger games till than!

So how is everybody? I hope well. I've had one hell of a month and just as I thought it was getting better I was wrong. Which got me thinking about tests and trials and the patterns they tend to have in my life. I don't have much to add to it cuz I'm still pondering it all, one thing I feel pretty sure about is that I'm suppose to be paying attention..there is something I need to learn. And just as I'm about to blame it on those who have despitefully used me...I get a little whisper to my heart..."this isn't about them...it's about you". My attention goes from blame and anger to pondering and listening. So that's what my status is at this moment in time..to just "be still". I wonder if these hardships weed out inconstancies and flaws that need to be taken care. It's interesting how god will protect you if you ask him to. When I asked I didn't think it would be in the way it has played out...I didn't think tears and pain would be involved in fact I thought that's what i was asking him to protect me from. But as I have quieted myself I'm starting to grasp that he sees the big picture..and not only that..he knows what is in my heart even more than I do and so he knows what he is protecting me from in my future...and even now. This all probably doesn't make much sense...but that's ok..it does to me. One thing is for sure...I am very grateful to have the teachings of jesus Christ...his way really does bring peace to my life. His way really does teach me to be happy even though opposition has been knocking down my door. I am also grateful for Nate. He has given me a strong arm to lean on and a broad shoulder to cry on. I am also grateful for my brother brad. He has helped me take a hard step that couldn't have come at a more crucial time for me..he has been himself and because of that it gives me courage to find my own self. Thank you. To all of you who get where Im At right now...remember that god always sends a ministry of angels living and not to guide you through to the peace you are searching for.



Disclaimer: if you read my blog and get offended..call me..let's talk. Other than that my blog is my blog..I write what is in my heart, I do not edit, I do not carefully write something to Get a point across or hint at something or someone. If you know me..you know Im a lover not a hater. If you feel bad after reading my feelings..please don't read it anymore, because that is not my intensions. Thank you.

Family

These people are my family..Lance is the oldest and funniest ..I love his dirty sense of humor and deep thinking. Mandy is the next oldest "foosie", she is the mother of the group and watches out for us all I enjoy her close friendship and unconditional love. Brad is the next in line.."beaner" He is the peacemaker and the one that holds us together. I am the baby "pucker -putt" I think too much and get a laugh from them all every once and awhile. We were able to go to dinner and just TALK when we were out in Missouri...we haven't ever been able to do that before. This was very healing for me and was really nice to remember the bond that we all share no matter what happens because we are family. these 3 individuals have shaped and molded my life with the hardships, the good times, the differences, the commonalities. There is no force in this world that could ever take away the 29 years of memories and friendships i hold close to my heart. I love you Lance, I love you Brad, and I love you Mandy...here's to 29 more years!

Ok

Here you go...this is what I look like now..short hair..chubby cheeks..my baby and I are twinners!! I m TOTALLY cheesin it in these pictures. I took these about a month ago. I sent them to Nate while he was at work to say I love you and Thanks for working so hard so I can stay home with my babies!!! that's why i'm cheesen it! GO ahead and laugh Im laughin with ya!

I miss

My LONG HAIR! I cut it short over a year ago to get rid of "dead fried hair" and start new...well my hair is shorter now than when I started. It accidentally got colored green a few months back so we had to cut it shorter than it's ever been before. Even though I get lots of great compliments on it and people tell me I look better with short hair....I just miss it. I felt so feminine with long hair..now my hair is just cute...I want it to be pretty! I hope I can grow it out long again. I have one more big cut to get it where i need it to officially grow it out. If I could just find the right color and then leave it alone so I don't keep damaging it. I'll tell ya what? it's HARD to grow your hair out when you are a hair dresser. The crappy part is..is that in these pictures you can't even tell it's damaged..but I remember doing my hair all of these days and feeling so frustrated that my hair wasn't healthy...well it looks healthy to me now that I look at the pictures...WHAT WAS I THINKING? oh well what can ya do? I'm sure I will do it again someday. for all you considering chopping your hair off...don't do it.

Mandy Waters

Is my sister, but she is not only that she is:
An amazing hostess
She taught me how to do freezer meals
She sews the cutest stuff and made me my very own apron!
Her homemade bread, rolls and cinnamon rolls are to die for!
She also taught me how to make these!

Her home FEELS like a home..and is so inviting and warm
She allways has my favorites at every get together...chips and dip
and an amazing veggie tray with ranch
She has a natural gift of empathy for all people
She captures memories like no other can. she teaches herself
anything she wants to learn and excels beyond measure
She coaches soccer really well

Her front porch and yard are so beautiful and inviting in all seasons


She makes the most amazing cakes for birthdays!
She listens to our prophet..and is completely prepared for an emergency
Her blue eyes are just a taste of the beauty that lays within
Her home usually is filled with family, friends, and fun!
She is a natural at nurturing

She is a mommy of 4 soon to be 5 FABULOUS boys!
She Loves her husband more than anything and lets him BE
who he wants to BE!


Mandy Waters...Yes she is my sister, she is a mommy, a wife, a photographer, a cook, an artist a friend, a nurturer, a homemaker, a Gardner, a decorator, a cake maker, a hostess, an example...But most of all she is my guardian angel on earth and I am soooo happy that families are forever and our bond is eternal! She has been the most influential person in my life consistently. I love that she doesn't hide her light under a bushel. she shares her gift with so many of us and anybody that knows her feels the talent that just oooozes out of her. I could go on FOREVER about all the things she has taught me..but I think the number one thing she has given to me is a living example of unconditional love. she is so humble about her beauty inside and out. a little too hard on herself sometimes but magnificent in all areas of her life. I probably know her better than anyone other than Keith and I say she is what every woman would strive to be like. she has no problem admitting when her kids need help outside herself...I have met so many mothers that are in denial that their kids need something other than what they can give them...but not Mandy..with all her talents she still loves her boys more than herself and will check her pride out the door even brace judgments of others if it's what is BEST for her little ones. Her husband doesn't talk much to people...he keeps to himself..But not once...not ever have I EVER heard her make excuses for him or apologize for the uncomfort it brings some people..she loves him and excepts him for who he is not what others expect him to be like. She has never gone to college but she is one of the smartest woman I've met. If she wants to do something she teaches herself. she taught herself how to cook from scratch, she taught herself how to sew, she taught herself how to make just about every craft on her walls, she taught herself how to be a photographer, she taught herself how to scrap book, she taught herself how to make her home and yard beautiful. She lives within their budget..and enjoys her life. She's one of the few woman i've met that does not make excuses of why they cant...she just does it. i never hear her complain about hardships she goes through..sure she vents but she doesn't have the attitude of what can others do for me rather she takes responsibility for her choices and life and makes the necessary changes. she is my hero. i love you mandy

love your little sis

Remember the park

I miss it these days. I told Tavis this morning that he needed gloves and a hat and boots cuz its REALLY cold outside. He looked out at the sunshine and said "no it's not mom, the sun is shining bright today which means its not cold". I explained to him that the sunshine isn't just warm and inviting..but that it can be decieving too. He looked at me like he wanted to ask what I meant but resolved that it was to early for that kind of inquiry. I love the sunshine..it just makes me happy. I am very grateful for the brightness in my home today I love it..but more than just seeing it I love to bask in it while my kids get exercise on the play ground while we all socialize with friends or I with a great book. We are avid park attendees. AT LEAST 3 times weekly if not more. i'm really looking forward to getting a cherry hill pass this year to be in the sun even more! On a side note..My dear sweet Olivia slept 10 hours straight last night!!! she's a quick learner. all day yesterday I let her fall asleep on her own for naps..it was fabulous to get a full nights rest last night. All though I actually feel more tired today then yesterday...its like my body wants more. I had a really hard day yesterday..I call it my "I don't care days" I just didn't care about doing one little thing other than playing with my kids, eating ice cream and talking on the phone. I also call it "a funk" I get in those every now and again and they are hard to get out of. I cared about something a little too much and got my feelings hurt so it spiraled me down to just not caring at all! The good news is the I am coming out of this one fast. the sunshine helps alot..but also this morning I went walking with my good buddy Lori at 5:30am and it was FREEZING..but you should never underestimate good clean oxygen in your lungs, endorfens running through your body, and a good friend that will tell you how it is..."forgive and forget, until you have walked a mile in that persons shoes you have no room to judge" she's right and so are the other people I have confided in. I love my inner influence of friends and family..they are all such good people with great hearts who love me and help me be bigger than my natural self! thus I feel sooo much better now and I have let go of the offense and am moving on to a new day! The other good news is is that I feel at peace now. It was like as soon as i started judging another the spirit left me. I could actually FEEL the difference in my thoughts, actions, and motives. I felt alone and I did not like it at all..I wonder if that is what I call depression. not having the holy ghost with me. I strive really really hard to make sure I am listening to uplifting music, words and conversation, reading good books and being kind to others not just in action but also what is in my mind about them..there's a reason I strive to live this way..because I want my good friend the holy ghost to all ways be invited into my life..he just makes it so much more joyful and he really does help me see things in a whole new perspective..so when I uninvite him to be with me I feel it..and I don't like it..I feel alone and sad..and depressed..oh my goodness I just had an ah ha moment..hmmmm that's cool. anyways, Im feeling much better and am thankful that I can be forgiven and for repentance. All right since I just went off on a tangent...let me share some fun pictures of a few of our wonderful park days last year. ( these are haileys 3 best friends)

I have a feeling

That I am going to be tired today. I have been up since 2:30 Am. It is now 5:30 and Oliva has finally given up the battle. It was truly the battle of the wills! For some odd reason I was really really patient and calm through the hours of rocking and crying. she wanted to be breast fed..and not because she is hungry but because that is how she soothes herself to sleep. I actually got her on a great sleeping schedule right before we went on our lovely vacation. Im starting to think vacations are not worth it when you have little little ones. She was sleeping close to 12 hours a night and not only that she was self soothing herself so i could wrap her up tight, rock her a little and then put her in her bed awake. She would fall asleep on her own and I wouldn't hear from her for atleast 8 to 12 hours! Now she has gotten into this nasty habit of waking up every few hours wanting to eat to go back to sleep. Dang you vacation!! Well it looks like this will be another "learn to sleep and self soothe boot camp week" YEA! I know it will be worth it in the long run. I also want to get back on my exercise band wagon schedule. I also have a goal to be ready before i wake my kids get up at 7:30. Me being ready means this: I have had my personal prayers, study, and quiet time, I have had 30 minutes of cardio, taken a shower, gotten dressed, done my makeup and my hair and have socks on! This is my goal!!!!! I don't know how well it's success rate will be with boot camp going on at the same time..but all is trial and error right? Well I better get going. I am 40 minutes behind schedule!! hope you all have a lovely day with atleast 4 more hours of sleep under your belt than I do!!

Quiet Time

This is my MOST favorite time of the day! I instituted quiet time at our house the beginning of this new2011 year. Why? You ask..well for lots and lots of reasons But mostly because I want my children to learn how to quiet themselves so that they can hear heavenly father talk to them. It wasn't till just 2 short years ago that i learned the real value in quieting my body and mind through meditation. Now I know that you may argue that reading or falling asleep with a book on your head is not meditating..and I agree..but small steps with small children is the best in teaching them eternal truths! I as well take this time to read and reflect and sometimes I do fall asleep with the book on my head BUT I allways feel rejuvenated for the rest of the day. THis is how quiet time goes at our house:

1:30 Tavis and Hailey pick out a book each that they want me to read to them
1:30-2:00 we cuddle on my bed and as I feed Olivia to sleep I read their stories to them
2:00- Quiet time officially starts
The kids can choose to read for an hour or go to sleep or stare at the wall..whatever they do they know they must be quiet so that they can rest their minds and bodies.
Tavis usually lays in bed with me He listens to theAudio January Friend on the Mormon channel on my I touch with ear phones and turns the pages to the right stories in the magazine to look at the pictures. He usually falls asleep the last 10 to 20 minutes
Hailey likes to make her own space on the side of my bed where she has brought in a STACK of atleast 20 books to look at..she usually makes it through one and a half books before she is knocked out!
Olivia- Is tummy full out cold in her crib for at least 2 hours

I set my alarm in case I fall asleep for 3 o clock and at 3..usually 330 we all wake up eat a snack and then they can have play dates till 5!

This time is TOP priority in our house. I have changed play group times, cut lunch dates short, and im sure offended people with "i cant during that time"just so we can consistently renew, and rejuvenate our bodies and mind for the day. IT has changed the end of the day tone of tired, mean, impatient..to kind, laughing, patient and enjoyable. We have not missed one day in January..(except on our vacation) and at first my kiddies had a really hard time with lasting the full hour without getting in trouble..but now I think i could stretch it out to 2 if I wanted to...and sometimes I do according to our needs! I love having choice and accountability in my life as a mommy. I CAN teach my children right and good things that will help them in times in their lives when I cant cuddle up with them any more and read them books. THIS is MY TIME and I am accountable to it...I LOVE this TIME and I say BRING IT ON!!!

Dusti

Messy messy

My house is so messy. It really is so so messy just ask nates home teaching partner lee who is also in our bishopric...he is the only one who has been allowed to see it and that's only cuz I wasn't here. Luckily he is like family so it's ok! I didn't even know where to start... Every single nook and cranny I tried to hide away to was messy...so I went out today. Had lunch with my sista at gross yet cheap del taco where there is a great play place for our kiddos to play so we could catch up and I could hide from my messy messy messy house! I always say that my house is an outward manifestation of an inward condition....and this is very true this time for sure you see I did not bring any of my exercise stuff with me to the cabin last week and even though I brought my scriptures and ensigns I never touched them nor did I have any personal prayers and I already told you how I fed my body and mind...I took a vacation from EVERYTHING! And I payed for it. I did not nourish my mind body or spirit for too long and because of that my mind is a mess.

Thankfully sacrament was close by and the talks, lessons, and sacrament was exactly what I needed to knock me out of the laziness I had slipped into! I enjoyed the rest of the sabbath with my little family as much as I could in my mess of a house and was determined to clean house come monday morning.....well...I ran on my treadmill, and I took my vitamins, I even studied my scriptures and ensign, but I just could not get started on this mess..i even was ready by 11am...which never happens. I knew what I was doing... avoiding it as much as I could plus I just didn't feel right in the head yet and I really have to work on what's goin on inside of me before I can get cleaning..that's what I tell myself anyways...Im a master at procrastination and all the reasons for it. I finally started on it like at 5 and now it's under control...
Tomorrow it will be back to the clean organized home I have enjoyed lately. I almost took pictures that's how bad it was! But one thing my mom did teach me was how to deep clean...it just takes me awhile to get goin but once I do..it's hard to stop me...Unless I have to feed Olivia......or there's chocolate cookies calling my name! Other than that I'm unstoppable. On a side note I heard an awesome talk on Mormon channel today it was in the 2010 January ensign a talk by Paul v Johnson of the seventy called "make yours a great life"... Very very good and uplifting in for the times we live in...my favorite part was when he said now is the best time to live because it is our time!

Hopefully tomorrow is a little bit easier than today and I'm more on the ball with my homemaking skills.although I will give myself props as a very patient mommy today....did not raise my voice once and felt really compassionate towards their specific needs......so HA at least I chose the better of the two right? Right!

Life after

I talked to my dad yesterday. Iwas in my car driving down the freeway and wanted to call my dad to check up on him, hear his voice, and let him know that I loved him. Just like I did when he was alive. The thought came to me that I still could..I didn't even hesitate in my mind with the how's and why's..I just started talking to him. The minute I started I felt him close by. Now I don't know if he can hear me, I don't know if he can visit me, I don't know how all that works. But I don't need to know. All I know is that I felt him close to my heart...so I talked..I told him I loved him and as a said the words out loud I cried. I cried and cried and cried. I suppose I cried because I miss him but I think I cried even more because I still feel connected to him. I'm still his daughter and he is still my father. That connection has not been broken even through death. I didn't hear his voice but I felt the same way inside as I did when I use to hear his voice...safe. Impressions came to me about how he was doing and I talked to him about it. Every once in awhile I would notice people in the car next to me staring..I'm sure I was a sight to see...tears and snot running down my face...crying talking and laughing with noticeably nobody in the car. I didn't care.

2weeks before he passed I got the chance to talk and cry with him about his journey ahead...death...and his life after. We cried together on his hospital bed..his feeble cancer ridden body shaking to it's core. He was afraid....I was afraid. He told me all of us are afraid to an extent. He had a strong testimony of the plan of salvation, he taught me all about it as my father....but as we sat there..his spirit strong his body dying...it was a journey he was being beckoned to take. I could not go with him...Nore did I want to..but a part of me wanted to comfort him in some way that it was true... But I couldn't. I believed it was...I've experianced the love that is in the room when someone dies..so I just shared with him the little I did know about the life after...it was full of love. I suppose it's easy for u to believe in life after when we are not faced with crossing over to it. I believe it's our last act of faith. To go to the edge of the light and take a step. Hoping not fearing...until the savior takes our hands to lead us the rest of the way...but there is that short span of time where it's somethin you bear on your own..it's a very personal thing death...just as birth is..it's not something you do with your husband or wife..your children your friends...nobody is there to do it for you or tell you for sure that your goin to see your loved one again....you have to just believe.

I talked to dad about that yesterday....I reminded him about that moment of fear..and asked him about it. I pictured him smiling...sharing in the moment of gratitude with me for that conversation and almost laughing at himself for ever questioning what he is in now...life after. I felt at peace and believe that he surely is happy. I felt a little silly...but also felt better. I asked him to give Jesus a hug for me and to thank him for the atonement that has made it possible for me to still feel like I have a dad and that I am still his daughter. Im not sure if he even can talk with Jesus yet...but if he can I asked him to do that for me....just one more way I can thank him other than prayer. I know this sounds crazy and maybe it is by today's standards... But I feel better. I do believe loved ones are still involved in our lives here in their lives after.

Even if he never even heard me....I heard me and it was healing to my soul...what more can you ask.
Thank you moose for sharing that you have written emails to your friend who has passed...that story went through my mind as I was missing my dad...it helped me not feel so weird and alone.

I feel closer to the life after because my dad who loves me very much is there...which means there's a part of me there too...in his heart and in his memories. I love you dad...I look forward to seeing you again.


Love dusti

Home sweet Home

Just got home from a 4 day get away to a beautiful cabin in the mountains for some snow mobiling, great food, card playing, and lots of fun! Every year My Husbands Business partner's family and us go on a "getaway" together. Sooo much fun. They have 3 boys and 1 girl we have 2 girls and 1 boy..they play soooooo well together and we have a blast with their mom and dad. (which is hard...you know, to find another couple where the wives AND the husbands get along and WANT to hang together) the snow and blue skies were just what I needed to relax and get out of my everyday routine mentality. The first day and night we were there it was snowing just enough to feel like we were in our own little snow globe. THe cabin was HUGE and just perfect. IT had 3 huge love sacks for all the kids to jump on and wrestle with. the kitchen was state of the art beautiful with the coolest fridge,(I love cooking in other kitchens) And the company was even better. It was fun to play with my kids without a house full of chores calling my name..and to take a break from my exercises and healthy food. (don't tell my trainer, she'll kill me in our next training session) I ate lots of homemade butterscotch and chocolate chip cookies, popcorn and m&ms, cafe rio style dinners, roast, potatoes, eggs, bacon, hot chocolate, Dr. Pepper, Root beer, Hot Apple cobbler with icecream, Hot cinnamon Rolls..etc, etc. Etc. We put the kiddies to bed by 8 or 9 so all 4 of us stayed up late into the morning hours playing cards and giggling uncontrollably for no reason at all. My dear sweet husband got up every morning with the kids so I could cuddle longer in the nice big gushy king sized log bed!! It was a BLAST! bUt nothing compares to My Home Sweet Home. I love getting away..but I love being home even more!!


Check out this site to see a virtual tour of the AMAZING cabin we stayed in

http://www.bearriverlodge.com/five_bedroom_cabin.php

Got an amazing deal on Ksl..just love Ksl classifieds..They make trips like this possible for us working class folk!!!!

Hugs and kisses

Okay if you know me these things I just don't do. I do not hug and certainly not kiss hi goodbye or anything. I don't know why I have just all ways been REALLY uncomfortable with all the mushiness of friendships etc.

Well NOT NO MORE..my friends. well its been awhile that I have wanted to hug people hello and goodbye or just to say I appreciate you...or to mourn with you or whatever but I Couldn't...seriously physically couldn't...before it was because I didn't want to ..it was uncomfortable but for the past few years I would find myself wanting to hug people..and then taking a step to but quickly reminding myself that I don't do that stuff. Even my best friend my sista..KNOWS that its very uncomfortable to me so she doesn't and if she ever did she would joke with me to make it so not awkward...Well I've been really really working on this for I'd say the past year..(secretly). and now It's fun to see people's faces when I hug them randomly..not people I just met..cuz they dont know thats wierd for dusti to do..but people like Brittany my best friend since highschool or mandy My sister..they don't really know what to think about it because that was one characteristic that use to define me..I say USE to because I do not ALLOW it to anymore.

How much of my History defines what I do today? I wondered that awhile back and it became apparent to me that "rules and regulations" i used to define me back in jr. high were still in effect today at age 29. CRAZY! Yes I am I know but crazy good! It has been hard I'll tell ya..really hard to break that mold..that comfort zone I have been staying/hiding in for too long. What was interesting to me was that even though my growth within was urging me to Hug and kiss loved ones and the desire was there..I walked into a barrier of "Dusti's code of do's and dont's" that was hard to get past..but I did it..by making a NEW AGREEMENT WITH MY REALITY. I pondered on what new agreements I wanted to make with myself and it was apparent to me that this one the one on showing affection had to be re written. You would think that would be the end of that old ridiculous rule right? Nope. What I found was that some of the people closest to me had a hard time with the change. not because they didn't want me to show affection but I think because we all get in comfort zones with each other and what we have taught each other who we are and how to treat us..when someone starts to shed those rules and allows themeselves to become a "new creature" if you will..it changes things..like your relationships and friendships. I found in one particular situation that not with this change but others I have been working on...they just could't handle it..they did not want me to change. and so I had to say "goodbye". as hard as that was for me It was necessary for my growth. The people I choose to be in my 'inner circle of influence" must be able to adapt and not hold me to a life of rules regulated by our history together. So I am happy to announce that I am officially a Hugger! and nOt only that...but I take part in the "mushy" I appreciate you talks more and more these days finding myself opening up to deeper stronger relationships. YES I am taking a risk at being vulnerable..but the more I re write my own agreements in life I find that if I truly want to be free..I have to allow myself that vulnerability..i may not be blocking pain,hurt and judgement anymore but with that I am also not blocking, Love, kindness, friendships and happiness. My history is not good it is not bad..it just IS. all I need to do is live for today and hope for tomorrow..totally cheesy..this I know. BUT TRUE!


Heres to a tomorrow full of new agreements and HUGS n KISSES!

Love DUSTI

Disclaimer

I Have to make a disclaimer from this statement I made from my earlier post "allow" I said the following:
"since I have totally changed my diet to no sugar and only healthy stuff I didn't know what to really do (pay day isn't for a little bit) and I don't buy groceries until payday..a rule I abide by. I have been doing so so well..food is fuel to my mind and body now and nothing more."

about 2 hours after I wrote that I downed all most a full bag of chocolate chips!! And loved every minute of it!!

Allow

OK....Well I am sacrificing my cleaning time to write! Partially cuz I don't want to clean but Mostly because i want to WRITE. Ive been thinking of all types of things to SHARE with you guys this past week and all though I have made simple changes in my life...its had a BIG ripple effect! A good one. I'm learning slowly but surely that if I "test" the gospel truths out in my life and use faith before i get results awaiting patiently..life is so much more enjoyable. There are many many things in life that make it easier and enjoyable to an extent, however im finding that there's a deeper level of joy that i can tap into through the atonement of Christ. Whenever I would hear the term "atonement" I would automatically think pain, suffering, repentance, forgiveness, Christ, and so forth..which makes sense cause all these things describe it mildly. Atonement means so much more to me now..and its not a term to me anymore..its a daily, minute by minute even in all my seconds feeling of comfort, joy, peace, hope, HELP, love,and brightness..these are just a few words that scratch the surface of the deep literally out of this world POWER that Heavenly father has given us to tap into ALL the time. My relationship with my father in heaven is changing. I use to be so fearful of him..wondering when lightning or famine would strike next..because of my sins and mistakes. I'm learning bit by bit that he is not to be feared. I had him ALL WRONG and it made my religion hard to bear.


Prior to 2010, I had never felt the sting of death to someone close to me. 2010 brought 3 of those stings for me, and all though I counted myself lucky that I had never had anybody close to me die...I am even more grateful NOW that I have walked down that road and felt the loss and the anger, the pain, the tears,..........the hope, the heavens, angels, and I will never forget the LOVE..oh my goodness the love that was felt in the room as my grandma took her last breath was AMAZING..there are NO words on this earth that describe that feeling of total acceptance, love, gratitude, longing, and hope fullness that I felt not only from my now deceased grandmother..but from God. I felt all the judgments and hardships I put and the world puts on me were GONE. I mean imagine that for a moment if you can..a time in the space of time where you are perfect as you are..all your choices up till that moment did not matter because the love, the light the HOPE that you are feeling blinds your natural sinicle self and allows you to be a child..a newborn if you will in her fathers arms. I know how I feel holding one of my newborns...all the aches and pains and hardships of the pregnancy are washed away as I hold my baby..all i have is LOVE and am so proud of them for making the journey. there is no room for judgements. Mother Teresa says if all you do is judge a person there is no room to love them. THUS...my relationship with god has changed forever. I only thought he judged me. After feeling the love that is in his home...heaven there's no way he has room to judge me.

Since all this I have really been able to LET GO of alot of guilt and pain I was putting myself through..not God putting me through it but ME. Knowing this has empowered me to make necessary changes in my life to feel that love again...constantly...and I have. I've "tested" being obedient to commandments and laws that before I would justify were not for me..such as keeping the sabbath holy (this one was and is hard for me, and so EASY to justify not needing it in our day and age) But as I have done what he has asked..I have found a certain easiness throughout my week that never accompanied me before..a softness if you will to everything that comes my way. Do I still lose my temper? Yes..but not as much and not as bad. Another one that i have struggled with is Prayer...is use to view it as a box I needed to check off and when I didn't then the guilt would set in. Now..there are no rules to my praying I don't TRY to pray morning day and night..I just do it when i need to..I ALLOW myself to drop the rules and listen with my heart. because of this new freedom I find myself praying more than I ever have before. I need him to help me. I am so not happy without a direct line of communication with him throughout the day..so I pray. It became really simple when I cut out all the "to do's" and "don'ts" and all the endless TRYING! ...THUS... my new year resolution is to stop TRYING and just ALLOWING.

Love, hope, kindness, the holy ghost, God, my dreams coming true, prosperity, knowledge, awesome relationships, truth, excellent mommy, healthy, toned body, great marriage, eternal family, forgiveness, enlightenment,self control,spirit free, debt free, self reliance.....etc. etc. etc. ALL of this and so so much more is all ready here for me I just need to ALLOW it to be!

Heavenly Father is excellent at taking care of all the details..If I'd just ALLOW him too.
Here are a few examples I'll share with you of small details that God has taking care for me just in the past 24 hours..

Yesterday I noticed Tavis fairly new pants had a hole in them..I thought to myself..we better get him some new ones since that's one of only 2 pair that he has. within 2 hours a friend dropped a bag of clothes her daughter had outgrown and in them were a pair of really cute size 6 (just his size) boys pants...random? I think not

Today, I ran out of all my fruit and veggies and since I have totally changed my diet to no sugar and only healthy stuff I didn't know what to really do (pay day isn't for a little bit) and I don't buy groceries until payday..a rule I abide by. I have been doing so so well..food is fuel to my mind and body now and nothing more. I really didn't want to feel the effects of a plate of nachos or a bowl of ice cream (which i have plenty of because i don't consume those things in huge allotments anymore..actually at all) a righteous desire I so do believe. I had JUST gotten done on the treadmill listening to Matthew chapter5 in the new testament and one of the things Jesus taught in that sermon was to take no thought for the morrow..for food or raiment, for clothes for housing etc. something about how he takes care of the birds and how they worry not yet they are taking care of..and how much better are we..you know the story..if not read it..its very enlightening or listen to it on the new Mormon channel! ANYWAYS... I had just heard those words and a knock came on my door. There stood my humble step dad..Joe with a bag full of all kinds of fruits veggies, salad, and a foot long sub on wheat with ham and spinach. My mom and Joe were just thinking of me and wanted to show how much they love me! my mouth fell open and my eyes teared up..I couldn't believe it. Seriously could not believe it...they didn't know that I was without those things and wanting them..but God did. I suppose these could be chocked up to be just coincidences...But this kind of stuff happens to me ALL THE TIME. My journal is FULL of all the details God takes care of when I allow him to through my obedience to his laws..I live a Miracle full life day to day and its all because of my savior and his sweet atonement. Even though I live in hard times and in a cruel world...my life has been heaven on earth..because luckily..God and his love never changes!!!