I have a feeling

That I am going to be tired today. I have been up since 2:30 Am. It is now 5:30 and Oliva has finally given up the battle. It was truly the battle of the wills! For some odd reason I was really really patient and calm through the hours of rocking and crying. she wanted to be breast fed..and not because she is hungry but because that is how she soothes herself to sleep. I actually got her on a great sleeping schedule right before we went on our lovely vacation. Im starting to think vacations are not worth it when you have little little ones. She was sleeping close to 12 hours a night and not only that she was self soothing herself so i could wrap her up tight, rock her a little and then put her in her bed awake. She would fall asleep on her own and I wouldn't hear from her for atleast 8 to 12 hours! Now she has gotten into this nasty habit of waking up every few hours wanting to eat to go back to sleep. Dang you vacation!! Well it looks like this will be another "learn to sleep and self soothe boot camp week" YEA! I know it will be worth it in the long run. I also want to get back on my exercise band wagon schedule. I also have a goal to be ready before i wake my kids get up at 7:30. Me being ready means this: I have had my personal prayers, study, and quiet time, I have had 30 minutes of cardio, taken a shower, gotten dressed, done my makeup and my hair and have socks on! This is my goal!!!!! I don't know how well it's success rate will be with boot camp going on at the same time..but all is trial and error right? Well I better get going. I am 40 minutes behind schedule!! hope you all have a lovely day with atleast 4 more hours of sleep under your belt than I do!!

Quiet Time

This is my MOST favorite time of the day! I instituted quiet time at our house the beginning of this new2011 year. Why? You ask..well for lots and lots of reasons But mostly because I want my children to learn how to quiet themselves so that they can hear heavenly father talk to them. It wasn't till just 2 short years ago that i learned the real value in quieting my body and mind through meditation. Now I know that you may argue that reading or falling asleep with a book on your head is not meditating..and I agree..but small steps with small children is the best in teaching them eternal truths! I as well take this time to read and reflect and sometimes I do fall asleep with the book on my head BUT I allways feel rejuvenated for the rest of the day. THis is how quiet time goes at our house:

1:30 Tavis and Hailey pick out a book each that they want me to read to them
1:30-2:00 we cuddle on my bed and as I feed Olivia to sleep I read their stories to them
2:00- Quiet time officially starts
The kids can choose to read for an hour or go to sleep or stare at the wall..whatever they do they know they must be quiet so that they can rest their minds and bodies.
Tavis usually lays in bed with me He listens to theAudio January Friend on the Mormon channel on my I touch with ear phones and turns the pages to the right stories in the magazine to look at the pictures. He usually falls asleep the last 10 to 20 minutes
Hailey likes to make her own space on the side of my bed where she has brought in a STACK of atleast 20 books to look at..she usually makes it through one and a half books before she is knocked out!
Olivia- Is tummy full out cold in her crib for at least 2 hours

I set my alarm in case I fall asleep for 3 o clock and at 3..usually 330 we all wake up eat a snack and then they can have play dates till 5!

This time is TOP priority in our house. I have changed play group times, cut lunch dates short, and im sure offended people with "i cant during that time"just so we can consistently renew, and rejuvenate our bodies and mind for the day. IT has changed the end of the day tone of tired, mean, impatient..to kind, laughing, patient and enjoyable. We have not missed one day in January..(except on our vacation) and at first my kiddies had a really hard time with lasting the full hour without getting in trouble..but now I think i could stretch it out to 2 if I wanted to...and sometimes I do according to our needs! I love having choice and accountability in my life as a mommy. I CAN teach my children right and good things that will help them in times in their lives when I cant cuddle up with them any more and read them books. THIS is MY TIME and I am accountable to it...I LOVE this TIME and I say BRING IT ON!!!

Dusti

Messy messy

My house is so messy. It really is so so messy just ask nates home teaching partner lee who is also in our bishopric...he is the only one who has been allowed to see it and that's only cuz I wasn't here. Luckily he is like family so it's ok! I didn't even know where to start... Every single nook and cranny I tried to hide away to was messy...so I went out today. Had lunch with my sista at gross yet cheap del taco where there is a great play place for our kiddos to play so we could catch up and I could hide from my messy messy messy house! I always say that my house is an outward manifestation of an inward condition....and this is very true this time for sure you see I did not bring any of my exercise stuff with me to the cabin last week and even though I brought my scriptures and ensigns I never touched them nor did I have any personal prayers and I already told you how I fed my body and mind...I took a vacation from EVERYTHING! And I payed for it. I did not nourish my mind body or spirit for too long and because of that my mind is a mess.

Thankfully sacrament was close by and the talks, lessons, and sacrament was exactly what I needed to knock me out of the laziness I had slipped into! I enjoyed the rest of the sabbath with my little family as much as I could in my mess of a house and was determined to clean house come monday morning.....well...I ran on my treadmill, and I took my vitamins, I even studied my scriptures and ensign, but I just could not get started on this mess..i even was ready by 11am...which never happens. I knew what I was doing... avoiding it as much as I could plus I just didn't feel right in the head yet and I really have to work on what's goin on inside of me before I can get cleaning..that's what I tell myself anyways...Im a master at procrastination and all the reasons for it. I finally started on it like at 5 and now it's under control...
Tomorrow it will be back to the clean organized home I have enjoyed lately. I almost took pictures that's how bad it was! But one thing my mom did teach me was how to deep clean...it just takes me awhile to get goin but once I do..it's hard to stop me...Unless I have to feed Olivia......or there's chocolate cookies calling my name! Other than that I'm unstoppable. On a side note I heard an awesome talk on Mormon channel today it was in the 2010 January ensign a talk by Paul v Johnson of the seventy called "make yours a great life"... Very very good and uplifting in for the times we live in...my favorite part was when he said now is the best time to live because it is our time!

Hopefully tomorrow is a little bit easier than today and I'm more on the ball with my homemaking skills.although I will give myself props as a very patient mommy today....did not raise my voice once and felt really compassionate towards their specific needs......so HA at least I chose the better of the two right? Right!

Life after

I talked to my dad yesterday. Iwas in my car driving down the freeway and wanted to call my dad to check up on him, hear his voice, and let him know that I loved him. Just like I did when he was alive. The thought came to me that I still could..I didn't even hesitate in my mind with the how's and why's..I just started talking to him. The minute I started I felt him close by. Now I don't know if he can hear me, I don't know if he can visit me, I don't know how all that works. But I don't need to know. All I know is that I felt him close to my heart...so I talked..I told him I loved him and as a said the words out loud I cried. I cried and cried and cried. I suppose I cried because I miss him but I think I cried even more because I still feel connected to him. I'm still his daughter and he is still my father. That connection has not been broken even through death. I didn't hear his voice but I felt the same way inside as I did when I use to hear his voice...safe. Impressions came to me about how he was doing and I talked to him about it. Every once in awhile I would notice people in the car next to me staring..I'm sure I was a sight to see...tears and snot running down my face...crying talking and laughing with noticeably nobody in the car. I didn't care.

2weeks before he passed I got the chance to talk and cry with him about his journey ahead...death...and his life after. We cried together on his hospital bed..his feeble cancer ridden body shaking to it's core. He was afraid....I was afraid. He told me all of us are afraid to an extent. He had a strong testimony of the plan of salvation, he taught me all about it as my father....but as we sat there..his spirit strong his body dying...it was a journey he was being beckoned to take. I could not go with him...Nore did I want to..but a part of me wanted to comfort him in some way that it was true... But I couldn't. I believed it was...I've experianced the love that is in the room when someone dies..so I just shared with him the little I did know about the life after...it was full of love. I suppose it's easy for u to believe in life after when we are not faced with crossing over to it. I believe it's our last act of faith. To go to the edge of the light and take a step. Hoping not fearing...until the savior takes our hands to lead us the rest of the way...but there is that short span of time where it's somethin you bear on your own..it's a very personal thing death...just as birth is..it's not something you do with your husband or wife..your children your friends...nobody is there to do it for you or tell you for sure that your goin to see your loved one again....you have to just believe.

I talked to dad about that yesterday....I reminded him about that moment of fear..and asked him about it. I pictured him smiling...sharing in the moment of gratitude with me for that conversation and almost laughing at himself for ever questioning what he is in now...life after. I felt at peace and believe that he surely is happy. I felt a little silly...but also felt better. I asked him to give Jesus a hug for me and to thank him for the atonement that has made it possible for me to still feel like I have a dad and that I am still his daughter. Im not sure if he even can talk with Jesus yet...but if he can I asked him to do that for me....just one more way I can thank him other than prayer. I know this sounds crazy and maybe it is by today's standards... But I feel better. I do believe loved ones are still involved in our lives here in their lives after.

Even if he never even heard me....I heard me and it was healing to my soul...what more can you ask.
Thank you moose for sharing that you have written emails to your friend who has passed...that story went through my mind as I was missing my dad...it helped me not feel so weird and alone.

I feel closer to the life after because my dad who loves me very much is there...which means there's a part of me there too...in his heart and in his memories. I love you dad...I look forward to seeing you again.


Love dusti

Home sweet Home

Just got home from a 4 day get away to a beautiful cabin in the mountains for some snow mobiling, great food, card playing, and lots of fun! Every year My Husbands Business partner's family and us go on a "getaway" together. Sooo much fun. They have 3 boys and 1 girl we have 2 girls and 1 boy..they play soooooo well together and we have a blast with their mom and dad. (which is hard...you know, to find another couple where the wives AND the husbands get along and WANT to hang together) the snow and blue skies were just what I needed to relax and get out of my everyday routine mentality. The first day and night we were there it was snowing just enough to feel like we were in our own little snow globe. THe cabin was HUGE and just perfect. IT had 3 huge love sacks for all the kids to jump on and wrestle with. the kitchen was state of the art beautiful with the coolest fridge,(I love cooking in other kitchens) And the company was even better. It was fun to play with my kids without a house full of chores calling my name..and to take a break from my exercises and healthy food. (don't tell my trainer, she'll kill me in our next training session) I ate lots of homemade butterscotch and chocolate chip cookies, popcorn and m&ms, cafe rio style dinners, roast, potatoes, eggs, bacon, hot chocolate, Dr. Pepper, Root beer, Hot Apple cobbler with icecream, Hot cinnamon Rolls..etc, etc. Etc. We put the kiddies to bed by 8 or 9 so all 4 of us stayed up late into the morning hours playing cards and giggling uncontrollably for no reason at all. My dear sweet husband got up every morning with the kids so I could cuddle longer in the nice big gushy king sized log bed!! It was a BLAST! bUt nothing compares to My Home Sweet Home. I love getting away..but I love being home even more!!


Check out this site to see a virtual tour of the AMAZING cabin we stayed in

http://www.bearriverlodge.com/five_bedroom_cabin.php

Got an amazing deal on Ksl..just love Ksl classifieds..They make trips like this possible for us working class folk!!!!

Hugs and kisses

Okay if you know me these things I just don't do. I do not hug and certainly not kiss hi goodbye or anything. I don't know why I have just all ways been REALLY uncomfortable with all the mushiness of friendships etc.

Well NOT NO MORE..my friends. well its been awhile that I have wanted to hug people hello and goodbye or just to say I appreciate you...or to mourn with you or whatever but I Couldn't...seriously physically couldn't...before it was because I didn't want to ..it was uncomfortable but for the past few years I would find myself wanting to hug people..and then taking a step to but quickly reminding myself that I don't do that stuff. Even my best friend my sista..KNOWS that its very uncomfortable to me so she doesn't and if she ever did she would joke with me to make it so not awkward...Well I've been really really working on this for I'd say the past year..(secretly). and now It's fun to see people's faces when I hug them randomly..not people I just met..cuz they dont know thats wierd for dusti to do..but people like Brittany my best friend since highschool or mandy My sister..they don't really know what to think about it because that was one characteristic that use to define me..I say USE to because I do not ALLOW it to anymore.

How much of my History defines what I do today? I wondered that awhile back and it became apparent to me that "rules and regulations" i used to define me back in jr. high were still in effect today at age 29. CRAZY! Yes I am I know but crazy good! It has been hard I'll tell ya..really hard to break that mold..that comfort zone I have been staying/hiding in for too long. What was interesting to me was that even though my growth within was urging me to Hug and kiss loved ones and the desire was there..I walked into a barrier of "Dusti's code of do's and dont's" that was hard to get past..but I did it..by making a NEW AGREEMENT WITH MY REALITY. I pondered on what new agreements I wanted to make with myself and it was apparent to me that this one the one on showing affection had to be re written. You would think that would be the end of that old ridiculous rule right? Nope. What I found was that some of the people closest to me had a hard time with the change. not because they didn't want me to show affection but I think because we all get in comfort zones with each other and what we have taught each other who we are and how to treat us..when someone starts to shed those rules and allows themeselves to become a "new creature" if you will..it changes things..like your relationships and friendships. I found in one particular situation that not with this change but others I have been working on...they just could't handle it..they did not want me to change. and so I had to say "goodbye". as hard as that was for me It was necessary for my growth. The people I choose to be in my 'inner circle of influence" must be able to adapt and not hold me to a life of rules regulated by our history together. So I am happy to announce that I am officially a Hugger! and nOt only that...but I take part in the "mushy" I appreciate you talks more and more these days finding myself opening up to deeper stronger relationships. YES I am taking a risk at being vulnerable..but the more I re write my own agreements in life I find that if I truly want to be free..I have to allow myself that vulnerability..i may not be blocking pain,hurt and judgement anymore but with that I am also not blocking, Love, kindness, friendships and happiness. My history is not good it is not bad..it just IS. all I need to do is live for today and hope for tomorrow..totally cheesy..this I know. BUT TRUE!


Heres to a tomorrow full of new agreements and HUGS n KISSES!

Love DUSTI

Disclaimer

I Have to make a disclaimer from this statement I made from my earlier post "allow" I said the following:
"since I have totally changed my diet to no sugar and only healthy stuff I didn't know what to really do (pay day isn't for a little bit) and I don't buy groceries until payday..a rule I abide by. I have been doing so so well..food is fuel to my mind and body now and nothing more."

about 2 hours after I wrote that I downed all most a full bag of chocolate chips!! And loved every minute of it!!

Allow

OK....Well I am sacrificing my cleaning time to write! Partially cuz I don't want to clean but Mostly because i want to WRITE. Ive been thinking of all types of things to SHARE with you guys this past week and all though I have made simple changes in my life...its had a BIG ripple effect! A good one. I'm learning slowly but surely that if I "test" the gospel truths out in my life and use faith before i get results awaiting patiently..life is so much more enjoyable. There are many many things in life that make it easier and enjoyable to an extent, however im finding that there's a deeper level of joy that i can tap into through the atonement of Christ. Whenever I would hear the term "atonement" I would automatically think pain, suffering, repentance, forgiveness, Christ, and so forth..which makes sense cause all these things describe it mildly. Atonement means so much more to me now..and its not a term to me anymore..its a daily, minute by minute even in all my seconds feeling of comfort, joy, peace, hope, HELP, love,and brightness..these are just a few words that scratch the surface of the deep literally out of this world POWER that Heavenly father has given us to tap into ALL the time. My relationship with my father in heaven is changing. I use to be so fearful of him..wondering when lightning or famine would strike next..because of my sins and mistakes. I'm learning bit by bit that he is not to be feared. I had him ALL WRONG and it made my religion hard to bear.


Prior to 2010, I had never felt the sting of death to someone close to me. 2010 brought 3 of those stings for me, and all though I counted myself lucky that I had never had anybody close to me die...I am even more grateful NOW that I have walked down that road and felt the loss and the anger, the pain, the tears,..........the hope, the heavens, angels, and I will never forget the LOVE..oh my goodness the love that was felt in the room as my grandma took her last breath was AMAZING..there are NO words on this earth that describe that feeling of total acceptance, love, gratitude, longing, and hope fullness that I felt not only from my now deceased grandmother..but from God. I felt all the judgments and hardships I put and the world puts on me were GONE. I mean imagine that for a moment if you can..a time in the space of time where you are perfect as you are..all your choices up till that moment did not matter because the love, the light the HOPE that you are feeling blinds your natural sinicle self and allows you to be a child..a newborn if you will in her fathers arms. I know how I feel holding one of my newborns...all the aches and pains and hardships of the pregnancy are washed away as I hold my baby..all i have is LOVE and am so proud of them for making the journey. there is no room for judgements. Mother Teresa says if all you do is judge a person there is no room to love them. THUS...my relationship with god has changed forever. I only thought he judged me. After feeling the love that is in his home...heaven there's no way he has room to judge me.

Since all this I have really been able to LET GO of alot of guilt and pain I was putting myself through..not God putting me through it but ME. Knowing this has empowered me to make necessary changes in my life to feel that love again...constantly...and I have. I've "tested" being obedient to commandments and laws that before I would justify were not for me..such as keeping the sabbath holy (this one was and is hard for me, and so EASY to justify not needing it in our day and age) But as I have done what he has asked..I have found a certain easiness throughout my week that never accompanied me before..a softness if you will to everything that comes my way. Do I still lose my temper? Yes..but not as much and not as bad. Another one that i have struggled with is Prayer...is use to view it as a box I needed to check off and when I didn't then the guilt would set in. Now..there are no rules to my praying I don't TRY to pray morning day and night..I just do it when i need to..I ALLOW myself to drop the rules and listen with my heart. because of this new freedom I find myself praying more than I ever have before. I need him to help me. I am so not happy without a direct line of communication with him throughout the day..so I pray. It became really simple when I cut out all the "to do's" and "don'ts" and all the endless TRYING! ...THUS... my new year resolution is to stop TRYING and just ALLOWING.

Love, hope, kindness, the holy ghost, God, my dreams coming true, prosperity, knowledge, awesome relationships, truth, excellent mommy, healthy, toned body, great marriage, eternal family, forgiveness, enlightenment,self control,spirit free, debt free, self reliance.....etc. etc. etc. ALL of this and so so much more is all ready here for me I just need to ALLOW it to be!

Heavenly Father is excellent at taking care of all the details..If I'd just ALLOW him too.
Here are a few examples I'll share with you of small details that God has taking care for me just in the past 24 hours..

Yesterday I noticed Tavis fairly new pants had a hole in them..I thought to myself..we better get him some new ones since that's one of only 2 pair that he has. within 2 hours a friend dropped a bag of clothes her daughter had outgrown and in them were a pair of really cute size 6 (just his size) boys pants...random? I think not

Today, I ran out of all my fruit and veggies and since I have totally changed my diet to no sugar and only healthy stuff I didn't know what to really do (pay day isn't for a little bit) and I don't buy groceries until payday..a rule I abide by. I have been doing so so well..food is fuel to my mind and body now and nothing more. I really didn't want to feel the effects of a plate of nachos or a bowl of ice cream (which i have plenty of because i don't consume those things in huge allotments anymore..actually at all) a righteous desire I so do believe. I had JUST gotten done on the treadmill listening to Matthew chapter5 in the new testament and one of the things Jesus taught in that sermon was to take no thought for the morrow..for food or raiment, for clothes for housing etc. something about how he takes care of the birds and how they worry not yet they are taking care of..and how much better are we..you know the story..if not read it..its very enlightening or listen to it on the new Mormon channel! ANYWAYS... I had just heard those words and a knock came on my door. There stood my humble step dad..Joe with a bag full of all kinds of fruits veggies, salad, and a foot long sub on wheat with ham and spinach. My mom and Joe were just thinking of me and wanted to show how much they love me! my mouth fell open and my eyes teared up..I couldn't believe it. Seriously could not believe it...they didn't know that I was without those things and wanting them..but God did. I suppose these could be chocked up to be just coincidences...But this kind of stuff happens to me ALL THE TIME. My journal is FULL of all the details God takes care of when I allow him to through my obedience to his laws..I live a Miracle full life day to day and its all because of my savior and his sweet atonement. Even though I live in hard times and in a cruel world...my life has been heaven on earth..because luckily..God and his love never changes!!!