Hugs and kisses

Okay if you know me these things I just don't do. I do not hug and certainly not kiss hi goodbye or anything. I don't know why I have just all ways been REALLY uncomfortable with all the mushiness of friendships etc.

Well NOT NO MORE..my friends. well its been awhile that I have wanted to hug people hello and goodbye or just to say I appreciate you...or to mourn with you or whatever but I Couldn't...seriously physically couldn't...before it was because I didn't want to ..it was uncomfortable but for the past few years I would find myself wanting to hug people..and then taking a step to but quickly reminding myself that I don't do that stuff. Even my best friend my sista..KNOWS that its very uncomfortable to me so she doesn't and if she ever did she would joke with me to make it so not awkward...Well I've been really really working on this for I'd say the past year..(secretly). and now It's fun to see people's faces when I hug them randomly..not people I just met..cuz they dont know thats wierd for dusti to do..but people like Brittany my best friend since highschool or mandy My sister..they don't really know what to think about it because that was one characteristic that use to define me..I say USE to because I do not ALLOW it to anymore.

How much of my History defines what I do today? I wondered that awhile back and it became apparent to me that "rules and regulations" i used to define me back in jr. high were still in effect today at age 29. CRAZY! Yes I am I know but crazy good! It has been hard I'll tell ya..really hard to break that mold..that comfort zone I have been staying/hiding in for too long. What was interesting to me was that even though my growth within was urging me to Hug and kiss loved ones and the desire was there..I walked into a barrier of "Dusti's code of do's and dont's" that was hard to get past..but I did it..by making a NEW AGREEMENT WITH MY REALITY. I pondered on what new agreements I wanted to make with myself and it was apparent to me that this one the one on showing affection had to be re written. You would think that would be the end of that old ridiculous rule right? Nope. What I found was that some of the people closest to me had a hard time with the change. not because they didn't want me to show affection but I think because we all get in comfort zones with each other and what we have taught each other who we are and how to treat us..when someone starts to shed those rules and allows themeselves to become a "new creature" if you will..it changes things..like your relationships and friendships. I found in one particular situation that not with this change but others I have been working on...they just could't handle it..they did not want me to change. and so I had to say "goodbye". as hard as that was for me It was necessary for my growth. The people I choose to be in my 'inner circle of influence" must be able to adapt and not hold me to a life of rules regulated by our history together. So I am happy to announce that I am officially a Hugger! and nOt only that...but I take part in the "mushy" I appreciate you talks more and more these days finding myself opening up to deeper stronger relationships. YES I am taking a risk at being vulnerable..but the more I re write my own agreements in life I find that if I truly want to be free..I have to allow myself that vulnerability..i may not be blocking pain,hurt and judgement anymore but with that I am also not blocking, Love, kindness, friendships and happiness. My history is not good it is not bad..it just IS. all I need to do is live for today and hope for tomorrow..totally cheesy..this I know. BUT TRUE!


Heres to a tomorrow full of new agreements and HUGS n KISSES!

Love DUSTI

Disclaimer

I Have to make a disclaimer from this statement I made from my earlier post "allow" I said the following:
"since I have totally changed my diet to no sugar and only healthy stuff I didn't know what to really do (pay day isn't for a little bit) and I don't buy groceries until payday..a rule I abide by. I have been doing so so well..food is fuel to my mind and body now and nothing more."

about 2 hours after I wrote that I downed all most a full bag of chocolate chips!! And loved every minute of it!!

Allow

OK....Well I am sacrificing my cleaning time to write! Partially cuz I don't want to clean but Mostly because i want to WRITE. Ive been thinking of all types of things to SHARE with you guys this past week and all though I have made simple changes in my life...its had a BIG ripple effect! A good one. I'm learning slowly but surely that if I "test" the gospel truths out in my life and use faith before i get results awaiting patiently..life is so much more enjoyable. There are many many things in life that make it easier and enjoyable to an extent, however im finding that there's a deeper level of joy that i can tap into through the atonement of Christ. Whenever I would hear the term "atonement" I would automatically think pain, suffering, repentance, forgiveness, Christ, and so forth..which makes sense cause all these things describe it mildly. Atonement means so much more to me now..and its not a term to me anymore..its a daily, minute by minute even in all my seconds feeling of comfort, joy, peace, hope, HELP, love,and brightness..these are just a few words that scratch the surface of the deep literally out of this world POWER that Heavenly father has given us to tap into ALL the time. My relationship with my father in heaven is changing. I use to be so fearful of him..wondering when lightning or famine would strike next..because of my sins and mistakes. I'm learning bit by bit that he is not to be feared. I had him ALL WRONG and it made my religion hard to bear.


Prior to 2010, I had never felt the sting of death to someone close to me. 2010 brought 3 of those stings for me, and all though I counted myself lucky that I had never had anybody close to me die...I am even more grateful NOW that I have walked down that road and felt the loss and the anger, the pain, the tears,..........the hope, the heavens, angels, and I will never forget the LOVE..oh my goodness the love that was felt in the room as my grandma took her last breath was AMAZING..there are NO words on this earth that describe that feeling of total acceptance, love, gratitude, longing, and hope fullness that I felt not only from my now deceased grandmother..but from God. I felt all the judgments and hardships I put and the world puts on me were GONE. I mean imagine that for a moment if you can..a time in the space of time where you are perfect as you are..all your choices up till that moment did not matter because the love, the light the HOPE that you are feeling blinds your natural sinicle self and allows you to be a child..a newborn if you will in her fathers arms. I know how I feel holding one of my newborns...all the aches and pains and hardships of the pregnancy are washed away as I hold my baby..all i have is LOVE and am so proud of them for making the journey. there is no room for judgements. Mother Teresa says if all you do is judge a person there is no room to love them. THUS...my relationship with god has changed forever. I only thought he judged me. After feeling the love that is in his home...heaven there's no way he has room to judge me.

Since all this I have really been able to LET GO of alot of guilt and pain I was putting myself through..not God putting me through it but ME. Knowing this has empowered me to make necessary changes in my life to feel that love again...constantly...and I have. I've "tested" being obedient to commandments and laws that before I would justify were not for me..such as keeping the sabbath holy (this one was and is hard for me, and so EASY to justify not needing it in our day and age) But as I have done what he has asked..I have found a certain easiness throughout my week that never accompanied me before..a softness if you will to everything that comes my way. Do I still lose my temper? Yes..but not as much and not as bad. Another one that i have struggled with is Prayer...is use to view it as a box I needed to check off and when I didn't then the guilt would set in. Now..there are no rules to my praying I don't TRY to pray morning day and night..I just do it when i need to..I ALLOW myself to drop the rules and listen with my heart. because of this new freedom I find myself praying more than I ever have before. I need him to help me. I am so not happy without a direct line of communication with him throughout the day..so I pray. It became really simple when I cut out all the "to do's" and "don'ts" and all the endless TRYING! ...THUS... my new year resolution is to stop TRYING and just ALLOWING.

Love, hope, kindness, the holy ghost, God, my dreams coming true, prosperity, knowledge, awesome relationships, truth, excellent mommy, healthy, toned body, great marriage, eternal family, forgiveness, enlightenment,self control,spirit free, debt free, self reliance.....etc. etc. etc. ALL of this and so so much more is all ready here for me I just need to ALLOW it to be!

Heavenly Father is excellent at taking care of all the details..If I'd just ALLOW him too.
Here are a few examples I'll share with you of small details that God has taking care for me just in the past 24 hours..

Yesterday I noticed Tavis fairly new pants had a hole in them..I thought to myself..we better get him some new ones since that's one of only 2 pair that he has. within 2 hours a friend dropped a bag of clothes her daughter had outgrown and in them were a pair of really cute size 6 (just his size) boys pants...random? I think not

Today, I ran out of all my fruit and veggies and since I have totally changed my diet to no sugar and only healthy stuff I didn't know what to really do (pay day isn't for a little bit) and I don't buy groceries until payday..a rule I abide by. I have been doing so so well..food is fuel to my mind and body now and nothing more. I really didn't want to feel the effects of a plate of nachos or a bowl of ice cream (which i have plenty of because i don't consume those things in huge allotments anymore..actually at all) a righteous desire I so do believe. I had JUST gotten done on the treadmill listening to Matthew chapter5 in the new testament and one of the things Jesus taught in that sermon was to take no thought for the morrow..for food or raiment, for clothes for housing etc. something about how he takes care of the birds and how they worry not yet they are taking care of..and how much better are we..you know the story..if not read it..its very enlightening or listen to it on the new Mormon channel! ANYWAYS... I had just heard those words and a knock came on my door. There stood my humble step dad..Joe with a bag full of all kinds of fruits veggies, salad, and a foot long sub on wheat with ham and spinach. My mom and Joe were just thinking of me and wanted to show how much they love me! my mouth fell open and my eyes teared up..I couldn't believe it. Seriously could not believe it...they didn't know that I was without those things and wanting them..but God did. I suppose these could be chocked up to be just coincidences...But this kind of stuff happens to me ALL THE TIME. My journal is FULL of all the details God takes care of when I allow him to through my obedience to his laws..I live a Miracle full life day to day and its all because of my savior and his sweet atonement. Even though I live in hard times and in a cruel world...my life has been heaven on earth..because luckily..God and his love never changes!!!

New Year...Old Hope

I am going to have a new blog Ive just now decided. A blog of just anything and everything. I don't know if you know this about me but I LOVE TO WRITE! Its such a passion and gift I have and yet I only do it in my journal. Another thing about me I'm pretty sure you don't know is that I LOVE TO SHARE! I am not one of those chicas who keeps to themselves..if I find something that works for me..I want it to work for EVERYBODY whether my discovery is a new truth of deepness in life or a new kind of toilet paper that wipes better...I want you to know about it!! So I'm going to combine the two passions this new year to WRITE & SHARE.

I have fears..you want to know them I just know it...here goes...I am scared that I will offend somebody with my philosophies on life, I'm fearful that you will judge me a little and a lot, i am scared to be ME..the real me all the time in every post with no editing involved, I am scared you will not except me, or like my sense of humor and laugh at me instead of with me I am scared that I will use too many exclamation marks!!!!!! I am fearful that you will see the weak side of me...But most of all I am scared to go out of my comfort zone and be vulnerable....


FEAR I am going to crush you this new year.....I want to WRITE&SHARE!! I will not let you accomplish much in discouraging me away from what I REALLY want to do. JUST BE ME!!!


Here's to a new year with old hopes renewed!!!


Love Dusti

Dad...

Oh How I miss you. I saved a voice mail that you left me a year ago. I accidently came across it yesterday..and even though its been all most a month since you've passed...I broke down in tears, knowing that I would never hear your voice again in my life here on earth. Its wierd Dad, Its really odd not to have you there in Missouri. Even though we didn't see each other much because we lived so far apart..atleast you were there. Now you are gone..to a place where I can't call to check up on you, to a place where I can't fly or drive to hug you and rub your bald head! Dad..I miss you. I want to thank you for the tearful visit we had just 2 weeks prior to your departure...I am so happy you got to meet Olivia to play and see her sweet smile. I love you and miss you. But am happy that you won your battle here on earth and are now in Peace..from any temptation or sickness. I love you dad. I miss you.


Until we meet again,
Love daddys girl

Its been awhile....

She is my little chunker..17 pounds all ready!!

Hailey Is my little artist
Tavis is my litte Man..he helps so much!

Wow this 3 kid thing is AWESOME! My life is so full right now I love it! ahh the days of sleeping in and getting ready whenever we want ..are SOOOO GONE! For someone like me who is NOT a schedule person.. AM kindergarten has kicked my booty. But all is well..Olivia is allmost 4 months all ready and I am just about to be able to say that I am somewhat getting on a semi working routine. Before I had Olivia I had this mommy house wife thing down to a tee..my house was beautiful and clean my children were played with and read to and my hubby had a hot wife that ironed his work clothes and made breakfast lunch and dinner!! this has not been the case the past few months! BUT hope is not lost...I have really enjoyed the past 4 months, even though im not super wife/homemaker we all love each other..and I know this is just a time and season and I love it..let me explain why in one word..OLIVIA!! You guys she is sooooooooo so so so a baby every woman prays for. I call her my "nate baby" because she is soo ultra easy going like her daddy. My first 2 take after their mommy..high maitenence. Not Olivia she has been an angel since the day she was born. I put her in her nursery at 3 or 4 weeks..that is crazy for me but she sleeps through the night. Infact I put her down last night at 7PM she woke up this morning at 4 to eat and then slept till 6 and then decided she wanted to play..she is so cute and I just love her so much! Not that I dont love my others sooo much but I did not enjoy their babiness like i have enjoyed Olivias. Lots of factors play into that Im sure but she is just sooo good that it makes it easy to enjoy. I Love having a baby in the house again..its been 4 years since hailey was a little one and I didnt know how much I missed it! The baby lotion, the diapers, the baths, the cooing and smiling..oh I just LOVE IT! This time its fun too because Hailey and Tavis are old enough to enjoy it as well. They LOVE her and its been fun to fall in love with Nate again in that way you do with every baby that comes into your family..you know as you watch your hubby hold and cuddle your little one your heart melts again and again! Olivia is my calm in the chaos of our life. When she wakes up to eat she talks, plays, and laughs..I rarely hear her cry. Im tellin ya..if I was gauranteed 3 more like her..I would do it in a second! Anyhow..life is good and heres some pictures of what we have been up to!

More pictures of my Livvy lu...

Thankyou to the ever so talented Jen Iverson for these pictures..(she took them all in my kitchen) Now that's talent!!!